Growing up Intuitive/Sensitive--MY Story
So...I decided I would share more detail with you.
Warning...This is NOT a bright, happy, fluffy piece of writing. It's true, some what dark, has some colorful language and I can almost guarantee you will look at me a bit different after reading this. So please understand...when I say I am blunt and don't sugar coat things..you are about to get a front row seat understanding the WHY behind that!
I've mentioned before that my family reported I would draw pictures of my great great great etc etc etc grandparents and say how they passed when I was like 2-3 years old. But what I haven't talked about is my emotional journey growing up or other experiences I had.
Seeing things, Feeling/Sensing things, Knowing things---- Oh My!
I remember as a child I would see "shadows" around me. Or see faces appear from no where...and yes, I mean faces or heads without bodies attached. Sometimes I would be scared...other times I thought nothing of it and all seemed "normal". But according to my family...it was indeed NOT normal. I was often told that I was just "tired" or "seeing" things or that I was just "stalling" in hopes of not having to go to bed. Do you see where this is going? NO ONE BELIEVED ME! Even as I got older and I was more comfortable telling people--mainly kids at school (my "friends) I was scolded for saying such things. My teacher in the first or second grade even has a special parent teach conference to discuss my "stories" and "lying". Sigh.
I ALWAYS felt like the odd duck. I tried to fit in...being part of a Girl Scouts Troop, playing sports, joining after school clubs, and attempting to make friends with everyone even when that meant reaching out of my comfort zone and basically ASKING for friendship. But I still never fit in. I was never in a specific "group" in high school...I was what I like to call a "Floater". I could talk to everyone and anyone. But much of the time I found myself hiding within.
As a teen I suffered from depression, anxiety and insomnia. I was accused of having an eating disorder because I was so skinny...truth of the matter was that I ate like a horse but didn't gain weight (I later learned high levels of stress can cause this effect). Often times feeling like life was just one big cruel joke because it seemed like the things I wanted most were always out of my reach. The top on that list? To be understood completely. I was in and out of therapists for YEARS. Each one (therapist) adding to the list of things that they thought were "wrong" with me according to their clinical books. As I came into adulthood..things didn't better..they just got worse. I had survived my teens..barely. I say barely because the depression, confusion and loneliness got to be so much that I ended up trying to take my own life twice. As I moved into early adulthood different therapists kept adding more to the list of things that were "wrong" with me. In fact, one psychologist in particular, decided I was bi-polar within the first 15 minutes of meeting with me. That meeting resulted in me being referred to a psychiatrist who proceeded to put me on SEVERAL different types of medication with hopes to "cure" or "control" me. I found it all to be very numbing. Numbing helped to a point. It helped me not care if anyone else cared. It never dulled me enough to take away the sense of just "Knowing" things, or seeing things others didn't, or even "Feeling" things others didn't. I still remember meeting with my Psychologist for one of our sessions and telling him how much I just wanted to find someone to love me for me. His reply, "WHO is going to love YOU? I mean, you're a MESS and someone would have to be CRAZY to get involved with you! So you might as well get comfortable being alone." My reply? "Well Doc, if that's the case then why not just shoot me like a lame horse. What's the purpose of being alive if I can't be loved?" And this witty doc says, "Well now we can't do that because it would make a mess of my walls." See how well therapy worked for me? Good Lord!
Sadly I must report that I did attempt to take my own life twice more within my early twenties. But low and behold...it was NOT my time. I questioned and wondered why not several times. What's my purpose? What kind of cruel joke was being played on me? And was I really that bad of a person somewhere deep inside that I couldn't ever be happy or find love? That's a lot to take in for anyone. I had one Psychiatrist who at one point picked a fight with me on purpose just to get a reaction out of me. At first I thought he was being an ass...now I get it. I remember going in for my appointment with him and he stood there looking at me..with my file in his hand and asked "WHY are you here?"...to which I replied "I am willing to do whatever it takes to get better..to be normal." He proceeded to say..."I don't understand WHY you are here..there is nothing wrong with you." At this point I had been so "conditioned" by doctors and family that there was INDEED SOMETHING wrong with me that needed to be fixed that I fought with this doctor about it. I told him all my "diagnoses" all over again as if he had never read my file etc etc. And when I was done...he simply repeated his original question to me "WHY are you here?" I threw a full blown temper tantrum (yep that had to have been cute...a twenty something year old acting like a small child--ugh). From that point on his question and statement stuck with me. I was no longer on all these Psych meds and on my own again. Damn...no more numbing. Now what? Hmmmm...I'm 21 and can drink! Oh CRAP! And on went the cycle of trying to fit in, tune out, hide within, be accepted only to get myself into trouble.
So what changed?
I changed. After my grandfather passed and he came to me with the message of what my true purpose was...that was it..my whole world made sense. I didn't try to numb myself anymore. I accepted what I felt, saw, heard etc. And with the help of my awesome husband and two beautiful kids...I was able to let this awesome gift blossom into what it is today! One of my biggest obstacles...getting over the fear of rejection and the need to feel accepted. And I am happy to report...so far so good!
So let's recap here on some of the "Traits" I had growing up:
- Overwhelming need to fit in yet never felt a part of the crowd
- Using creativity such as Art and Poetry writing to express myself without speaking
- Strong connection with Nature and Animals--it was calming for me--nature was my sanctuary
- Rage and Panic (Reactionary) when I felt like someone was being dishonest with me, didn't believe me or what I was saying, or when I felt used by people--often this would look like a massive emotional outburst or temper tantrum--or VERY often Fight or Flight attitude/behavior
- Good kid with good grades turned to somewhat of a trouble maker (actually minor in my case) to almost not graduating High School on time
- Several clinical diagnoses yet nothing ever consistent and put on several types of medications which had little to no effect (or positive result) other than helping me not really care about anything
- Over abundance of energy...Enjoyed Sports etc because they were ways to exert excess energy but also did weight lifting with the guys just to get out some of the aggression that seemed to boil inside
- I had more guy friends than girl friends because I couldn't handle the drama and gossip that seemed to surround most girls--or the helplessness that most seemed to portray --so I was looked at as a tom boy
- Speaking of guys--that need to feel love often was misplaced in men even to the point where I was in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship and felt like it was where I belonged because after all...like the doc said..NO ONE would want me
- Imaginary friend or in my case a special stuffed animal that gave peace and comfort and was treated as if it had a soul (in fact when my "Snoopy" Dog got caught in a pull-out couch and ripped in half I cried my eyes out AND I was 16 years old when this happened!!!)
- Unable to wear turtle neck shirts because I felt like I was being choked--same with certain tight fitting necklaces (STILL have this issue to this day)
- Seeing things, hearing things, feeling things others around me didn't--which often times made talking in front of groups of people a freakin NIGHTMARE because I could FEEL everyone's energy-- ie: having to give reports in front of the class at school etc.
- Just KNOWING things in ways that couldn't be explained
- Absorbing other people's energy--example: if I was in a room full of sad people..my mood would reflect theirs..I would get sad. If in a crowd of extremely wound up/happy people..my mood would reflect theirs and I would get hyper.
- Struggled with concentration because I was always so overwhelmed because my senses were literally on overdrive--so in school I did better when projects were hands on because it required more than one sense to complete a task
- Strong need/desire to feel NUMB or DETACHED by way of medication or alcohol
- Often when asked "What's Wrong?" or "Describe how you feel" and NOT being able to because I couldn't pin point it
- Fearful of dark places (when younger)
- Needing to make/find a "safe" spot to hide --for me it was in a large closet in my bedroom when I lived with my grandparents
- Was accused of not listening or paying attention (I tried but my senses were often on over load)
- Elementary School--yeah..I wasn't there much. I would go to school and then sometime before the days end I would tell the teacher I felt "ill" and be sent to the nurses office at which point my Grandfather was called to come pick me up (in my mind-- come rescue me)
- My nerves were so shot when I was young that my body literally couldn't handle it. Between the constant stomach aches and having wetting accidents (through 3rd grade) I was a mess! My body just COULDN'T process all the things I was sensing around me. And of course I was blamed for these accidents as if I had total control. I do remember trying to "hold it" because all of my energy was being spent on trying to concentrate on what ever it was I was doing--it was so hard (still is some days) to focus on everyday stuff when I was/am so sensitive to EVERYTHING around me including Spirit
These are just a FEW things I can look back on and label. Some things I have even noticed in my own two kids and that's when the light bulb clicked on and had me going ---OMG! I KNOW what this is now!
Any of this resonate with you? Can you see any of this happening with your kids? Keep an eye out for future blogs and on my Facebook Fan Page as I give tips and suggestions on how help yourself or perhaps your own child.
It's because of what I went through that has be so very passionate about helping other kids NOT have to go through what I did. To let them know there is NOTHING WRONG with them...that they are special..that they can be LOVED and that they can find a positive way for this to fit in their life.
This passion of mine is also why I am so very honored to be a part of The Little Light Project's team! This Non Profit group not only provides resources for Grieving Parents and survivors of Child Sexual Abuse but they also are hard at work putting together workshops and information for Highly/Sensitive Kids (and their parents) so they don't have to feel so alone! Please keep an eye out on their website and Facebook Fan Page for more information on the services they provide and will be providing.
Over the next few months I will continue to give you a more intimate look inside my journey. I want you to see how I went from such a sad and lonely place...to a place in my life where I feel like I am bursting at the seams with love, happiness and most of all....FINALLY having Pride and Faith in myself!
Until Next Time....
Much Love, Light N Gratitude
Spiritual Medium Sarah