In my last blog I spoke of my journey into therapy to help me "deal" with/heal from some of my childhood experiences that were just recently brought to light. One of my character traits decided to come rearing it's head through this process though. I pulled back on going to therapy. You see, my attention span and "gung-ho" type attitude very often are short lived. Once I set my sights on something I tend to go all out giving it ALL of my energy. Then, if I don't accomplish what I feel I should in a given amount of time, my attention fades and I tend to walk away from whatever it was. I've struggled with this my whole life! I have very little patience and some of it has to do with just who I am...but another part of it has to do with my limited amount of time, ie: energetically balancing too many things at once. My whole essence has a very "Go Go GO!" type feeling or attitude if you will. So I literally GO...my husband has given me the nickname "Hummingbird" for this very reason. I must move, I must talk, I must be in motion energetically. When I feel "stuck" I quickly move to something else because I LOATH the feeling of being "trapped". Every fiber of my being wants to be free floating so when I begin to feel "trapped" my fight or flight reaction kicks in.
So how does all this relate to my pulling back on therapy etc? Well, therapy opened up a can of worms for me. Instead of just focusing on one problematic area of my childhood it brought to light SO much more. In this whole process I have learned that healing can come even when we don't "solve" a problem. Does that make sense? Instead of healing from the pain I went through...I have been discovering how it has played a part in SO many areas of my life and how I deal with things, people, etc. And now, more than ever, I am convinced I had to go through all of what I did so that a unique perspective to share with others. To perhaps help others heal. And on the same note..my mind was convinced there would be an "end result" with therapy. Not so much a "cure" for the pain but closure to the degree that I could have an ending of sorts. But that's not what was meant to happen and I had unrealistic expectations. Since my "goal" wasn't accomplished or couldn't be I felt very much that I was on a dead end road and so I pulled back. See, there's that GO energy again! Granted, therapy is a fantastic tool for anyone and I am NOT saying it isn't valuable. For me, it's more of a stepping stone--perhaps it is for you too and you didn't or don't see it for what it is.
Now you might be sitting there scratching your head and asking yourself "WHY do I care about any of this crap? What can I take away from your personal issues Sarah?" And rightly so!
I'm sharing with you in hopes some of you can relate and take away something from my journey and apply it to yours. I'm sharing with you so you can see that I really am just like you and struggle with the same things you do.
Until Next Time...
Much Love, Light N Gratitude